What was I thinking?!?

My future is something I never really thought much about. I usually find I like to gravitate towards a life of oblivion and naivete. To me, this is comfort. Reality has a tendency to scare the hell out of me. My husband and I had a heated argument the other day, and what it came down to is that I (as he so eloquently put it) am here in physical body, but my mind an spirit are still clinging to the safety of the small mid-west town in Nebraska. This surreal fantasy I have been living has damaged my marriage and relationship with my kids.

So what do I do? Ryan's solution is (and always has been) "get over it." How does a person do this? How does a person push aside all feelings and not really "deal" with them without loosing ones sense of self? My husband was forced into a life of chaos under emotional parents so he had to "get over it" just to survive! I was never faced with this. I was sheltered. I had NO CLUE as to what the real world was like. Right now I am waist deep in a world of "reality". Now, whether my husband agrees with me or not, there are many days I feel alone. It has taken me about five ears to find a close friend. And yet, again, she and I are quite opposite just like Ryan and I are.

Even as I write this, it may very well sound like I am self-absorbed. I have always tried to live by the rule, "Do to others as you'd have them do to you." I've lost sight of this considerably. My greatest fear has been becoming selfish and self-centered. It looks as if this fear has manifested itself into reality.

So, naturally those who are suffering the most because of my self-indulgence is my husband and two beautiful children. My brain is spinning so fast ......

Now I won't go into detail about the conversation, or rather, heated squabble I had with Ryan. I won't do that because I will only try to justify my feelings and reasoning, and that just won't work. What it boils down to is this ............. He's right ............