I want to say Happy Mother's Day mom!!
Lori, I hope your Mother's Day goes well for you!!
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Children
Children are amazing little creatures. Or rather amazing little creations. With their minds like little sponges and personality to boot, your life as you know it undoubtedly changes. My husband and I are currently in a bit of a pickle. We are trying to decide where we want to live in order for our children to have a good education. Right now, the area we live in is really a poor place to be. The elementary school we are zoned for failed their FCAT (standard achievement test). That in itself is enough for me to make the decision that I do not want my kids attending that particular school.
So that leaves us the question, what are we going to do? To be honest with you, we have several choices. The one that we are starting to gravitate towards is my husband taking the kids up north to where they have some of the best schools in the country (oh and we have friends up there that want us to come) while I stay here to sell the house. This is a huge decision. But can you see how much power these two little creatures have and they don't even know it!! That to me is ironic.
It is funny to see how their personalities are developing. Our daughter is very much like me. She loves arts and crafts, enjoys helping me with tasks through out the house, and she wants to learn new things. Coloring is her favorite thing to do and recently she wants to know how to draw shapes and has even tolerated me showing her how to write letters. Our son, on the other hand he is a pill. He loves numbers. At the age of four he is counting to 100 with ease and he has learned his address (street address only). He is one in the same with his father because computer and video games are his passion. Thankfully my parents were smart enough to buy an educational computer game and he absolutely loves it. He spends time every day playing it. But try to get him to sit still long enough to draw a picture or learn how to write a letter ... forget it no patience at all. This part concerns me a bit in that he will be starting school this fall. He did surprise me the other day. I told the kids of a craft project that we will be working on and he was so excited about it. So there is hope yet! HA!
So that leaves us the question, what are we going to do? To be honest with you, we have several choices. The one that we are starting to gravitate towards is my husband taking the kids up north to where they have some of the best schools in the country (oh and we have friends up there that want us to come) while I stay here to sell the house. This is a huge decision. But can you see how much power these two little creatures have and they don't even know it!! That to me is ironic.
It is funny to see how their personalities are developing. Our daughter is very much like me. She loves arts and crafts, enjoys helping me with tasks through out the house, and she wants to learn new things. Coloring is her favorite thing to do and recently she wants to know how to draw shapes and has even tolerated me showing her how to write letters. Our son, on the other hand he is a pill. He loves numbers. At the age of four he is counting to 100 with ease and he has learned his address (street address only). He is one in the same with his father because computer and video games are his passion. Thankfully my parents were smart enough to buy an educational computer game and he absolutely loves it. He spends time every day playing it. But try to get him to sit still long enough to draw a picture or learn how to write a letter ... forget it no patience at all. This part concerns me a bit in that he will be starting school this fall. He did surprise me the other day. I told the kids of a craft project that we will be working on and he was so excited about it. So there is hope yet! HA!
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
A Thought of Irony.
I graduated with a BA in Communications with a focus in Interpersonal Communications. I find I am unable to have a simple conversation about my feelings with my husband and find it difficult to repair any damage done to our relationship.
How messed up is that!!
How messed up is that!!
Conniving Weasel.
Satan is a cunning little man. My feeling of apathy and lack of desire for the beautiful things are not like me. I contribute it tot he little demon that has leeched itself onto me. This conniving little bastard (if I may be so bold to call him) has reaked havoc in my life for the past five years.
With the combination of my selfishness and lack of faith, my demon has been a masterful puppeteer. In the beginning, I was really committed to my marriage. Let me rephrase that. Before I got married and while I was making preparations to move half way across the country, I was committed and determined to make sure my marriage was going to be strong and successful. Well, in my opinion, good intentions tend to disappear like a fart in the wind. They will get you no where.
The voice of reason and faithfulness are covered by the small but powerful voice of selfishness and self-indulgence. Frankly, it pisses me off. My demon crawls around me ... Whispering lies and deceit in my ears ... Slithering in and out of my thoughts. What have I done to fight this? Nothing! I make my husband my enemy and end up loathing my children.
Ahhh, children --- faces of innocence.
With the combination of my selfishness and lack of faith, my demon has been a masterful puppeteer. In the beginning, I was really committed to my marriage. Let me rephrase that. Before I got married and while I was making preparations to move half way across the country, I was committed and determined to make sure my marriage was going to be strong and successful. Well, in my opinion, good intentions tend to disappear like a fart in the wind. They will get you no where.
The voice of reason and faithfulness are covered by the small but powerful voice of selfishness and self-indulgence. Frankly, it pisses me off. My demon crawls around me ... Whispering lies and deceit in my ears ... Slithering in and out of my thoughts. What have I done to fight this? Nothing! I make my husband my enemy and end up loathing my children.
Ahhh, children --- faces of innocence.
My future.
So, now back to my original thought. It really is not my future anymore. If I was single or married with no children it would be my future, but now it is different. Whatever I decide to do, it will, without a doubt have a huge impact on my children. As I have said already, my kids have been effected by my current state of self-delusion.
There seems to be three major determining factors which are currently driving my line of thinking.
There seems to be three major determining factors which are currently driving my line of thinking.
- Schools for my children. We currently live in an area which has the lowest rated schools.
- Church. During the last four years we have grown to love the Anglican church. This is not a common church in the mid-west. so any chances of moving closer to my family are pretty slim.
- Work. This is a factor that I think drives everyone's decisions about the future.
Ryan seems to have been thinking about our financial stability more than I have. I really don't have a plan. School seems to the choice Ryan and I keep gravitating to. With my current job change, this could very well be feesable. My next step is a masters degree. I have not been in school for about six years now, so I will have some catching up to do.
What was I thinking?!?
My future is something I never really thought much about. I usually find I like to gravitate towards a life of oblivion and naivete. To me, this is comfort. Reality has a tendency to scare the hell out of me. My husband and I had a heated argument the other day, and what it came down to is that I (as he so eloquently put it) am here in physical body, but my mind an spirit are still clinging to the safety of the small mid-west town in Nebraska. This surreal fantasy I have been living has damaged my marriage and relationship with my kids.
So what do I do? Ryan's solution is (and always has been) "get over it." How does a person do this? How does a person push aside all feelings and not really "deal" with them without loosing ones sense of self? My husband was forced into a life of chaos under emotional parents so he had to "get over it" just to survive! I was never faced with this. I was sheltered. I had NO CLUE as to what the real world was like. Right now I am waist deep in a world of "reality". Now, whether my husband agrees with me or not, there are many days I feel alone. It has taken me about five ears to find a close friend. And yet, again, she and I are quite opposite just like Ryan and I are.
Even as I write this, it may very well sound like I am self-absorbed. I have always tried to live by the rule, "Do to others as you'd have them do to you." I've lost sight of this considerably. My greatest fear has been becoming selfish and self-centered. It looks as if this fear has manifested itself into reality.
So, naturally those who are suffering the most because of my self-indulgence is my husband and two beautiful children. My brain is spinning so fast ......
Now I won't go into detail about the conversation, or rather, heated squabble I had with Ryan. I won't do that because I will only try to justify my feelings and reasoning, and that just won't work. What it boils down to is this ............. He's right ............
So what do I do? Ryan's solution is (and always has been) "get over it." How does a person do this? How does a person push aside all feelings and not really "deal" with them without loosing ones sense of self? My husband was forced into a life of chaos under emotional parents so he had to "get over it" just to survive! I was never faced with this. I was sheltered. I had NO CLUE as to what the real world was like. Right now I am waist deep in a world of "reality". Now, whether my husband agrees with me or not, there are many days I feel alone. It has taken me about five ears to find a close friend. And yet, again, she and I are quite opposite just like Ryan and I are.
Even as I write this, it may very well sound like I am self-absorbed. I have always tried to live by the rule, "Do to others as you'd have them do to you." I've lost sight of this considerably. My greatest fear has been becoming selfish and self-centered. It looks as if this fear has manifested itself into reality.
So, naturally those who are suffering the most because of my self-indulgence is my husband and two beautiful children. My brain is spinning so fast ......
Now I won't go into detail about the conversation, or rather, heated squabble I had with Ryan. I won't do that because I will only try to justify my feelings and reasoning, and that just won't work. What it boils down to is this ............. He's right ............
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)